Caryn: When Dan and I first started watching terrible movies, Pat Abdalla, the FlipSide editor, suggested “Zodiac” as one of the worst movies he’s seen. So Dan and I sat down and watched the 2007 “Zodiac” directed by David Fincher. The movie was based off of a series of murders that happened in the ’70s. The killer was never caught and he taunted police through a series of letters. While it was VERY long, about 2 1/2 hours, and extremely dialogue-driven (read: sometimes boring), it wasn’t all that bad. At least it had the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) and Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) in it. Then we realized another movie had been made based on the same series of events.
“Curse of the Zodiac” was made that same year. It was one of those potentially so-bad-it’s-good movies with shoddy sound and lousy camera work, flat acting and embarrassing voice overs. It looked like it was made by a bunch of film students as a class assignment. The plot follows a girl who has dreams about murders that happen in the area. Eventually the man she sees in her dream comes to kill her. Dan, what was the worst part about this movie?
Dan: The straight-to-video movie wants to be a horror film. It really, REALLY wants the audience to be disturbed and uncomfortable during its 80-minute run time. Problem is, the people putting this monstrosity together have no idea how to make a movie, let alone a horror movie. A lot of the movie is the Zodiac basically acting as a narrator (he is presumably talking over the phone with a reporter and either over the phone or through some psychic link to the main girl). The Zodiac describes what’s on his mind and how twisted and crazy he is. There are a few issues with this plan. One: The other characters are so uninteresting and removed from reality themselves that this doesn’t come off as particularly scary. The main girl is the only one who passes as a likeable character, but she doesn’t have a personality other than “person who has dreams and tries to tell people about them.” Without seemingly normal characters or some semblance of the real world to bounce off, a psychopath/sociopath doesn’t have the same effect.
And two: This Zodiac cannot be taken seriously. He swears so often that I kept cracking up laughing every time he opened his mouth. His philosophies and monologues seem like they were written by a 12-year-old who just learned all the naughty words — and every single naughty word is used. It’s not creepy, it’s not threatening, and it’s not even that offensive — it’s mostly hilarious. The editing choices complement that unintentionally funny tone, as well. The constant visual and audio tricks are supposed to create an otherworldly effect, but it comes off more like a child wildly whacking every button he can see.
But don’t be confused: This movie is painful to watch. Caryn, what pained you the most?
Caryn: I think the killer’s voiceovers were the biggest embarrassment of the film. If you’ve ever seen “Wanderlust,” a terrible comedy that came out last year starring Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd, the Zodiac killer’s voiceovers reminded me of a scene in that film where Paul Rudd stands in front of a mirror and says some foul things. It’s not funny. It’s not offensive. The only way to describe it is awkward and embarrassing.
Eventually the plot was just painful. The nameless main female character would have a vision. Through a series of bizarre edits, the movie would cut to the person who was supposed to die. The killer would kill them. The killer would have an embarrassing voiceover, and the cycle would continue. Most of the killer’s targets were women in their 20s who came across as shrieking harpies. They were almost always arguing with their boyfriends over something inane. The boyfriend would leave, and the killer would strike. It was just exhausting after a while. After 45 minutes of the movie, I wanted to turn it off and watch something else. It definitely was not worth the $2 rental on Amazon.
What should we be watching instead? Are there any modern-day crime dramas that can capture our imagination?
Dan: I can’t say I’m well versed in the crime genre, but if I were looking for a creepy kind of murder mystery, I’m going to movies like “Shutter Island” or “Se7en” (even if it has a grammatically obnoxious title). Both of those movies have a slight whiff of something otherworldly, as well, only they’re put together by people who know what they’re doing and have some brilliant acting performance by the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman. Plus, the characters in those movies actually have names, which, sadly, is more than can be said for “Curse of the Zodiac.”
